It feels safe to say that sex is fun—at least, sex with someone you like, who's good at touching you in a way that makes your Thomas the Spank Engine go "choo choooooo!" But with the peaks of pleasure comes the perils of sexual release, from the unseen (the mindfuckery of oxytocin) to the harsh physical realities (ruined sheets, cleanup on aisle six). These challenges are even greater for the moistest among us: the squirters and the overachieving ejaculators who must keep a steady supply of fresh terrycloth and dejected T-shirts on hand for post-climax janitorial duty.
But hope is on the way, Wet Willies and Wilmas. Today in “sexual accessories we didn't know we needed but now don't want to live without,” we have discovered Yoni Pleasure Palace's line of Squirt Blankets, which look like any other innocuous fleece throw but are 100% waterproof and hold up to a liter of liquid—truly bonkers, and heavy-duty enough for even the most orgasmic of sensuous squirters. If you can have a wild, eight-orgasm romp and also protect your bedsheets, why settle for anything less?
Alright—stop, rewind, and listen to the Squirt Blanket's perfect origin story. Yoni Pleasure Palace was founded by Rosie Rees, an Australian "crystal sex toy entrepreneur" with a clear knack for inventing pleasure products that fulfill less-discussed needs. (Other products in YPP's arsenal include ridiculously beautiful crystal dildos, yoni eggs, and possibly the most museum-worthy anal toy we've ever seen.) Rees' philosophy is that "when women feel more comfortable to let go during sex or self pleasure, they naturally become more orgasmic"—and what better way to feel comfortable than by knowing your sheets are safe and sound, and also by surrounding yourself with shimmering crystals with which you can penetrate your most sensitive of orifices?
So, the idea for the Squirt Blanket sprayed forth back in 2019, when Rees entered a relationship with a happily ejaculative woman. After experiencing for herself the tedious labor of frequent sheet-washing, towel-grabbing, and general cleanup after a very intimate exercise that should be followed by cuddling instead of frantic fabric collection, Rees realized that what the world needs now, in addition to love, sweet love, is a throw that can handle whatever secretions her, and your, sexual encounters (or solo sessions) may result in.
Rees says the blankets have been a game-changer for many customers who were previously holding back on their full squirting potential for fear of making a mess. (Rees says the Sacred Squirter glass pleasure wand, also made by Yoni Pleasure Palace, helps, too—you can buy it solo or in tandem with the blanket as part of the G-Spot Awakening Kit.)
And the blanket isn't just for squirters—it's also suited for use during period sex, as a post-pregnancy blanket, as a prophylactic for your pajamas when you're drinking wine on the sofa, or even can be bedding for a pet that struggles with incontinence. If there's a liquid you don't want on your bed/couch/shag carpet, the Squirt Blanket is here to intervene. Genius, honestly.
With one cozy, fleecy side and one smooth and silky velvety side, the blankets come in three sizes and an array of shades for any decor (to a houseguest, they look like any other comfy throw), and are machine-washable and dryable. They're also stain-proof, so you'll never have to worry about staring at your past sessions when you pull your blanket out of its bedside basket. If you’re ready to snag one, use the promo code VICE15 to get 15% off your order.
Gorgeous, gorgeous gushers, it's your moment to shine. Rock, roll, and spray to your heart's content.